GETTING CAUGHT?

All the stats on infidelity bother me but this one really blows me away.  What are we thinking?  Is it really okay to do something wrong if we do not get caught?  If I steal and not get caught, is it okay?  What about if I kill someone? How did we get from a strong moral standard to this?

The counselor in me wants to scream, “we always get caught.” If I have an affair, it will affect me.  I cannot join myself to someone else and not have it affect me. It affects my feelings, my emotions, and my self esteem.  It will change me and I will know it.  If no one else catches me, I catch myself and the effects can be devastating.

What do you think? What happens if we have an affair and never get caught?

Dr. Kim

Monday I gave you some incredible statistics concerning infidelity in the United States.  (If you missed it, check out Monday’s blog post.)

Infidelity is a huge problem.  Over the years, as a counselor, I have helped couples deal with infidelity.  I did not see it a lot but often enough to be concerned about the issue.  Today I am almost surprised if a couple comes in for counseling and they are not dealing with infidelity at some level.  In 2011, of all the couples that I saw for counseling, at least 60% came because of infidelity and.  Five years ago it was probably 10% and of these couples 99% of the time the infidelity was the husband.  Last year it was probably 60% the husband and 40% the wife.          (I have not run exact stats on my figures but this is a good faith guess.  Besides my mind is a steel trap )

Why? Why so much infidelity?  I know it has been with us since Bible times (see King David in the OT) but it seems to be rampant today.  I truly believe it is a product of our culture and the enemy is attacking marriages like never before.

Today it is very easy to connect with another person.  We have text messaging, Facebook, cell phones, and email. There are more women in the workforce and therefore more opportunities for contact with other men.  We think nothing of having lunch with a coworker or business associate of the opposite sex.  Yet, sitting across the table from someone and eating and having conversation can be one of the most intimate things that we do.  That is how I fell in love with Nancy!

I also think what we see and hear in the media has affected us.  TV and the movies are full of stories about affairs and the people turn out ‘happier’ with their new partner.  Pornography is presented as something everyone looks at and it never causes problems in relationships.  We have been desensitized step by step over the past few years.  We have been presented a distorted picture and fallen for it big time.

Infidelity is killing us one marriage at a time.

Dr. Kim

STATISTICS

• Percentage of marriages where one or both spouses admit to infidelity, either physical or emotional: 41%
• Percentage of men who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 57%
• Percentage of women who admit to committing infidelity in any relationship they’ve had: 54%
• Percentage of men and women who admit to having an affair with a co-worker: 36%
• Percentage of men and women who admit to infidelity on business trips: 36%
• Percentage of men who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 74%
• Percentage of women who say they would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught: 68%

Over the next few blogs I will break down these stats and give you my thoughts.  Today I want to know what you think? Do these stats surprise you?  Do you feel they are an accurate reflection of our culture today? Do you think they hold true for Christians and non-Christians?

Dr. Kim

SPIRITUAL GROWTH

In our home, we have a number of electrical outlets.  Many of them have the cord of an electric lamp pugged into them.  Behind that electrical outlet is all the power of our electric company.  It is incredible the power that is there.  But if I do not turn on the lamp, the room remains dark.  With all that power nothing happens until I do something.

The same is true in your marriage.  You have all the power of the God who created the universe.  His power is endless.  He designed marriage in general and your marriage in particular.  He can make your marriage into something truly beautiful but you (husband and wife) have to invite him in.

Questions: What keeps you from putting God at the center of your marriage?

Are you ready as a couple to invite Him in?

Dr. Kim

Adversary

or

Advocate?

Here are some steps to follow:

• Commit together to change this.
• Ask for forgiveness and forgive.  By this time you both have done things that have contributed to the distance between you.
• Reframe your thinking.  This person is your advocate not your adversary.
• Listen to each other and value what each says.
• When a disagreement happens, agree to call a “Time-Out” and then come back together to work on the problem together.
• Focus on how the problem needs to be solved – not on how you would solve the problem.
• Pray together that God would give you a “oneness” in your marriage.

Questions: What has kept you from being on the same “team” in your marriage?

Will you commit to working on this issue together?

Dr. Kim