Matt and Lindsay talk about their wedding day.
The Newlyweds: “First Look” – Episode 8
“If You Like Pina Coladas” – Guest Post By Cindy Beall
Cindy Beall is a writer, speaker, and a mentor to women. She and her husband, Chris, speak openly about their difficult journey through Chris’ infidelity and pornography addiction that nearly destroyed their marriage and ministry. Through God’s grace they have inspired thousands of couples and have returned to full-time ministry where Chris serves as the Oklahoma City Campus Pastor at LifeChurch.tv. www.cindybeall.com
f you like Pina Coladas.
And gettin’ caught in the rain.
Go ahead and thank me for sticking that song in your head for the rest of the day. It’s the least I could do.
If You Like Piña Coladas by Rupert Holmes is one of my favorite songs of all time. The song tells a story of a married man who started searching for another woman in the personal ads. He finds one that appeals to him and writes back to her. He feels bad about his wife but he has decided that his needs and desires must be met. So, they plan a meeting.
And while I’m clearly NOT A FAN of the adultery, I do like how the story turned out.
The lyrics say:
So I waited with high hopes
And she walked in the place
I knew her smile in an instant
I knew the curve of her face
It was my own lovely lady
And she said, “Oh it’s you.”
Then we laughed for a moment
And I said, “I never knew.”
This married couple had fallen into a routine and neglected their marriage. They both thought that someone else would be better and would bring excitement into their lives. What they didn’t realize is that the passion for each other was still there…but the effort was gone. They stopped pursuing each other.
I’m guessing that some of your marriages are suffering right about now. Some of you may even have the grass is greener mentality going on. I’d like to challenge you to start watering your own yard and see what happens. Remember what brought you together in the first place.
I’m guessing there had to be a spark at one time.
Cindy Beall
“Forgiveness Video Series – Part 2″
Join host Brandon Donaldson with Chris and Cindy Beall in part 2 of this series on forgiveness titles “How Do You Forgive after Adultry?”
“Building a Foundation: Solving Problems – Part 5”
CONFLICT
Most of us do not like conflict. Yet, it is a reality in every relationship. Conflict is natural. We are different. We are different as man and woman, in our family backgrounds, in our life experiences, and countless other ways. The key is this: we either let our differences bring us closer together or we let them tear us apart.
One of the greatest gifts a couple can give their marriage is to learn to solve problems together. Solving problems strengthens our marriages and builds intimacy.
Here are the steps to use in solving problems:
- Set aside a time to discuss the problem that works for both of you.
- Agree on the problem and what part each of you played in it.
- Brainstorm ideas and pick one to try.
- Implement your solution.
- Set a time to evaluate the solution.
- If successful, celebrate your success.
- If not, pick another solution to implement.
Question: What obstacles do you run into when try
Dr. Kim
“Building a Foundation: Part 4 – Communicate”
COMMUNICATION
Question: How much time do you spend communicating with each other now?
Question: Will you commit to setting aside time each day to communicate?
Couples that communicate well also usually say they have a great marriage. In fact, in one recent survey, ninety-seven percent of couples that said they communicated well also rated their marriage well. Most of us spend a lot of time communicating before marriage. We just cannot get enough of each other. Then, after marriage, that can drastically drop off. Most couples spend an average of three hours a day communicating before marriage and five minutes a day after marriage. That is twenty-one hours a week before marriage and thirty-five minutes after. No wonder we drift apart. No wonder couples often feel like strangers in their marriage. Communication bonds us together. It builds closeness and intimacy. Healthy communication is essential.
If you communicate well now, keep it up. If you don’t, here are some ideas to get you started.
- Set aside time each day to talk – without any distractions. The ‘no distractions’ is really important so you can focus on each other and what you are saying.
- It needs to be a time that works for both of you.
- If you have kids, let them know that you are making your marriage in general and your communication in particular a priority. This is a great way to teach them of the importance of communicating in marriage.
- Talk about you day, what you are thinking about, what bothers you, what excites you, what you want for your marriage, what you want to pray about – the topics are endless.
- It can be ten minutes or an hour. Just set the time and stick to it. Hold that time sacred. Do not let anything get in the way of consistent time each day to communicate.
Your marriage will grow and be more of what God has for you as a couple. Communication is an essential foundation piece for an Awesome Marriage.
Dr. Kim
“Building a Foundation: 3 – Sex”
SEX
Question: “What would make your sex life better?”
Question: “What are you doing to improve it?”
So far we have talked about setting aside time for each other and having fun together. Today let’s talk about sex. Sex is a gift that God gave to married couples to enjoy. Unfortunately for many couples, sex becomes an object of stress and arguments. For many of you, it may be time to redesign your sexual relationship.
Here are some steps for your to take:
- Commit together to work on this area of your marriage.
- Talk about the things that you have let get in the way of having a fulfilling sexual relationship.
- Share with each other what you want in your sexual relationship.
- Set time aside to do this.
- Do not give up. If you get frustrated or run into issues that keep you from improving your sex life, get help. Talk to a Christian Counselor or a trusted Pastor.
There are a lot of great resources to help you. Here are a few of the ones I recommend. They are all avaiilable in our Awesome Marriage Store. http://iwantanawesomemarriage.com/store/
“The Gift of Sex” and “Getting Your Sex Life Off To A Great Start” by Clifford and Joyce Penner.
“A Celebration of Sex” by Douglas Rosenau
Dr. Kim
“Building a Foundation: 2 – Having Fun Together”
FUN
As we began looking at some ways to build a strong foundation in your marriage, we looked at the importance of having time together. Another piece of that foundation is having fun together. Most couples can tell me many stories of all the fun they had while dating and during their time of engagement. But for many, after marriage, as life began to get in the way, the fun times were few and for some stopped all together.
You are together because you thought your life would be better through this relationship. Having fun together is an essential part of a marriage. We need time to get away from the stress of life and enjoy each other. Our marriage needs to be a refuge from the rest of the world.
Let me ask you a few :
- What did you do for fun when you were dating?
- What do you think would be fun today?
- Will you carve out time for the two of you to have fun together?
Try this idea. Each of you write down five things you would like to do as a couple that are fun. Tear the ideas into strips and put them in a box. Set aside time for a “fun date,” draw out one of the slips of paper and do what it says. Then have your date. Focus on having a great time together.
The times of fun will carry over into other areas of your marriage in a positive way. Share some of your ideas here.
Dr. Kim
“Visualize the Destruction” – Guest Post by Cindy Beall
Cindy Beall is a writer, speaker, and a mentor to women. She and her husband, Chris, speak openly about their difficult journey through Chris’ infidelity and pornography addiction that nearly destroyed their marriage and ministry. Through God’s grace they have inspired thousands of couples and have returned to full-time ministry where Chris serves as the Oklahoma City Campus Pastor at LifeChurch.tv. www.cindybeall.com
My pastor talked about this in one of his recent messages. He was talking about adultery and how if we would all just visualize the destruction that adultery would cause before we would even go that route, we would probably choose to stay put.
So, if I could, I would like to appeal to you on behalf of all men and women whose hearts have been broken due to infidelity.
Please don’t do it.
I know she makes you feel good about yourself while you are at work and that she appreciates your jokes while your wife hasn’t laughed in months. I know that he tells you the things you want your husband to tell you. I understand that something in you has come alive with this person’s presence in your life. But, please know this: It is not love. It is an illusion.
And if you go this route, you will regret it. Sure, the pleasure and excitement are there and it will make you feel more alive than you have in months. But the moment after? Guilt will cover you like molasses syrup and no matter how hard you try to wipe it off, you will be sticky.
And the destruction begins.
You will have to look into your wife’s eyes and watch the pain in hers as you admit to her and tell her that your vows didn’t mean as much to you as they did to her all those years ago. You will have to deal with the fact that she may never fully trust you again. That when you come to her and want to touch her, chances are, she’ll wonder if that is the way you touched the other woman. And you’ll get mad at her for not believing that you’ve changed in the last month, even though you have no right to get mad, and she’ll leave the room crying and you’ll wonder when she’ll “get over it”.
If that’s not bad enough, you will then have to face your children and tell them that even though Mommy does love them so much, right now she has chosen to love herself more by being with another man. Their security will diminish and they will act in ways that you never dreamed possible. They will experience rejection and anger and because they are so young, still developing in every way, they will not know what to do with their feelings. So, they will act out and will do things that cause destruction.
Because, you see, it’s been modeled for them.
If you marriage is lacking, don’t give up. If your family isn’t what you hoped it would be, press on. Anything worth having is going to take work. Try watering your own garden. Please, please, please don’t commit adultery.
Visualize the destruction.
Cindy Beall
“Forgiveness Video Series” – Part 1
Join host Brandon Donaldson with Chris and Cindy Beall in part 1 of this series on forgiveness titles “How Do You Walk Through Exposing an Adulterous Affair?”
“Building a Foundation: Time – Part 1”
TIME
This is the first part of a new series on building a foundation in your marriage. Every marriage goes through ups and downs. There are good times and there are bad times. If we are to weather the storms of difficult times in our marriages, we need a good, solid foundation. That is what this series is about. I want you to have a foundation that will withstand everything and anythind that would threaten it. It will take work but the benefits will be life changing.
If we sat down together and looked at our calendars, what would we see? How do we spend our time? What does our calendar say about our values and our priorities? If someone asked me what are the most important things in my life, I would give the “right” answer: God, spouse, family, work – in that order. Yet, if you looked at my calendar, where I write down everything that I have to do each week, it might tell a different story. What story would your calendar tell? I know for me, if I do not purposely set aside time for Nancy each day, my marriage suffers. I need time with her – both quality time and quantity time. It keeps us connected. It builds our foundation.
Questions: How and when do you set aside time for your marriage?
Dr. Kim
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